Stop Expecting Strangers To Figure Out Your Life
Stop expecting strangers to figure out your life.
It’s not so much a criticism as an observation. I see people all the time on social media posting about their problems and searching for answers….from random people.
I don’t even know where to start. One, you have no idea who they are or their motives. Some people are online for vile reasons. They hate themselves, they’re miserable, and their mission in life is to spread or perpetuate misery. When they see you suffering, they get sadistically excited and latch onto you like a shark drawn to blood.
Or they’re just trolls. Trolling can be fun, but when you’re dealing with serious stuff it’s not humorous. But because it’s online and you can’t confront them physically, they do it. A lot of men who think they’re masculine but spend time mocking others online with a cute smugness are really just effeminate.
Another reason you don’t look for answers from strangers is because, in my opinion, most people are unwittingly, yet dogged evangelical. No, I don’t mean that in an organized religion sense. They are evangelical regarding what they’re about. They have their own gospel message, their own “one way” in which all other ways are illegitimate. Whether it’s sex, relationships, diets, finance, what have you, it’s like talking to a missionary. They have their way, their truth, and the light, and no one can be happy unless they adhere to their prescribed plan. It’s both hilarious and cringe-inducing to see people who consider themselves “free thinkers” engage in the same annoying preachy antics as the worst preacher stereotype.
But fundamentally you don’t ask strangers, or even acquaintances, to figure out your problems because only you truly understand them, even if you’re speaking to people with similar challenges.
We’re not talking about fixing a flat tire or making a recipe – something you can look up how to do on YouTube. We’re talking about existential life problems that involve an enormous number of context-sensitive situations 99.999999 percent of people either can’t grasp or are too lazy/indifferent to learn about. That wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t also so opinionated about everything.
If you doubt me, try throwing out a social media post casually inquiring what the best weight loss approach is. Chances are, you’ll have a conflict between warring diet factions like the ketos, vegans, vegetarians, and meatheads.
Or, worse, ask what “muh real men” do in a given situation.
This applies to “finding Serenity” because only you know what it means for you to find it. Only you know what future was you hoped for that will never be, and only you what you really want. Others may think they know, or act as if they know it better than you. But this is why you don’t ask strangers for help. In some cases, you can’t rely on friends and/or family to offer solutions to your problem, because they’re thinking about it from their limited perspective. Or, finding Serenity for you concerns a personal side of you that you either prefer to keep private or is best to not share. This isn’t about harboring deep, dark secrets, but keeping our closest thoughts and desires close to the chest. Maybe you’re miserable at a high-paying corporate job and always dreamed of doing something else that pays less, or it’s a career that you know everyone will oppose because it doesn’t fit with their perception of reality regarding who you are. Maybe you always wanted to live in a certain area or try a hobby.
A historical comparison worth considering is Richard Henry Dana Jr, who attended Harvard in the early 1800s. He was so stressed from his studies that he got sick and suffered vision loss. He then left school to work as a sailor, culminating in his published book Two Years Before the Mast.
Dana’s problem was he was overwhelmed with schoolwork. His solution was to step away for a while and be a sailor, which evidently cured his problem and gave him important life experience before he returned to school and completed his studies.
Imagine he had had social media today and instead inquired about it online. How many people would have offered solutions that had nothing to do with his real problem? Additionally, he came from a family of high social standing, so the typical thing for a man in his position would be taking a boat trip to somewhere like Europe, but as a passenger and not actually sailing on it.
When discussing stuff online, you’ll eventually realize that people have this unspoken assumption that “we’re all in this together.”
No, we’re not. We don’t need consensus or come to an agreement to do what we want.
That’s because, as writer Quintus Curtius has noted, you don’t need anyone’s permission to succeed.
Notice that in Firefly, Mal Reynolds doesn’t consult anyone before he does anything. He buys a ship in a nonflying condition, gets a mechanic to fix it, then outlines his vision to Zoe, someone he wants to have join him and whom he thinks shares his common desire to be free. He’s not asking for help figuring out his problem, and he’s not waiting around for others to give approval. He’s going and others can come along. In the instance of Zoe, she comes despite her expressed misgivings because, like him, the world she was fighting for doesn’t exist and never will.
The lesson is this: only you know what you want, and you’re the only person who can figure out any problems getting in the way. And when you decide what you’re going to do, share it only with other people who will help you or are part of that vision.
Strangers will not do either, which is why you don’t expect them to solve your problems.